Compassion turns an armed robbery around

Click to watch an interview with Angela Montez, who started praying and talking to a robber who held her at gun point.

Loving Yourself

Today, I can stick a finger in the waist of my fat pants.

After months of calorie counting and many more months of sort of working out, I think I learned something about self-loathing. I think self-loathing is punishing yourself for being you, when you don’t think you’re good enough to love as you are. When I would skip working out for weeks, because I’d skipped once, it was because I’d written myself off as a failure, like an abusive parent or something. I thought I’d slipped down some slope and might as well free fall to its depths.

What does it mean to love yourself? I asked, and you answered:
“Loving yourself means believing you have value and worth and deserve respect and compassion. It means truly hoping for the best for yourself.”

“Maybe ‘tough love’ is good self-love: pushing yourself to excel, and rewarding yourself for a job well-done. Or maybe just being comfortable in your own skin.”

“I think the practice of Love should be the same for yourself as it is for others. …Do you want only the best for your best friend and believe they shouldn't needlessly suffer through judgment- always.”

Loving yourself, I hypothesize, is acknowledging that you’re on a walk, so that when you trip and fall, you get up and keep going. You are not scaling a deadly mountain grasping for approval at its peak! One day, uh, many days, I’ll eat way more than my calorie budget or say a nasty thing I didn’t mean. The next day, I should refocus on eating right and speaking love, because I still believe in myself like a loving parent.

Soon enough, I'll be able to stick two fingers in my fat pants.

86-year-old WWII vet on gay marriage

86-year-old WWII vet on gay marriage at a public meeting on Maine's marriage equality bill on April 22, 2009: "What do you think I fought for in Omaha Beach?" A powerful video:

"Post-Marriage" Counseling

Behold, the intersection of three of my favorite topics: relationships, metaphor, and branding:
Thanks, @catherinefaas and @GuyKawasaki!

Cultural Differences: Shut Up and Love mentioned in AJC!

This article ran in the print edition of the Atlanta Journal Constitution on Sunday October 18, 2009, but it didn't run online at ajc.com, or I'd post the link for you. I'm posting the text of the article below with the writer's blessing. Discuss!






Eager hearts, open minds

Service links those who accept diversity in the search for love.
Racial barriers falling, but not easily for most.
By:Helena Oliviero

Mauricio Solano has distinct tastes when it comes to the women he dates.
You could even call him picky. His dream girl is outdoorsy, cares about
her appearance, but isn't "too skinny."

He won't date smokers, and cussing is a big turnoff.

But when it comes race, often a barrier in romance, he said his mind is
wide open.

"Doesn't matter, " the 44-year-old Colombian native said in a
matter-of-fact tone, revealing a very slight accent.

Recently, Solano joined Color Blind International, an Atlanta-based dating
service built on the premise that racial diversity should be embraced and
never get in the way of true love.

Solano --- a well-educated, divorced civil engineer --- said during a
screening interview that he dated women from various ethnic backgrounds
while in college.

With clipboard in hand, Color Blind co-founder Mingnon "Ming" Gregory, cut
to the chase and asked him: Are you interested in white women or all
races?

"All races, " he said.

While many online dating services match people of different races, Color
Blind International appears to be Atlanta's first dating service (outside
of online dating) aimed at interracial dating.

Gregory, an African-American woman with model-good looks, said the idea
for the business stems from her own experience. For a couple of years, her
quest for Mr. Right was going nowhere, even after joining dating sites and
a dating service.

Then one day, Gregory, an image consultant, had an epiphany and confided
in her friend John Evans, whom she later joined forces with to start the
business.

"I remember telling John one day, 'I might open myself up to other races,
' " she said. "And he said, 'Good idea.' ... I remember thinking, there
are a lot of good guys out there; why am I limiting myself?"

More than 60 members pay from $1,700 to $3,000 for the dating service,
which includes matchmaking, background checks and image consulting. It
also provides life coaches who give members tips on how to handle their
relatives' reactions to their interracial romance.

Dating interracially has long been sensitive, even taboo. It was just 42
years ago that the Supreme Court, in a landmark ruling, legalized
interracial marriages. And, for many years, black men were subjected to
violence for simply looking at a white woman the "wrong way."

Attitudes have changed over time. And there may be signs that a growing
number of singles are crossing racial lines for love.

Match.com, one of the biggest online dating sites with more than 9 million
members, said more than 90 percent of current members say (in their
profiles) they are open to dating outside their race. In Atlanta, the
percentage is 91 percent, up 9 percent from 2006.

Tony Brown, sociology professor at Vanderbilt University, said online
dating patterns are not likely representative of the general population.
He said singles online are usually younger, live in urban settings and are
more educated --- all of which makes them more likely to date someone of
another race. He also thinks many singles may revel in the idea of an
interracial romance, but have no intention of marrying outside their race.

Even for singles who fall in love and want to marry someone of another
race, it's not always an easy proposition, Brown said.

"Oftentimes, these relationships get shot down when one person brings that
special person home to family. There's like this 'relationship bubble' and
that gets burst at Thanksgiving dinner, " said Brown.

Census figures show just 5 percent of marriages in Atlanta and nationwide
are interracial unions. Interestingly, the percentage of unmarried
interracial couples living in Atlanta is 10 percent, according to the
Census Bureau's 2007 American Community Survey.

Still, as singles marry at an older age and have more experience with
people of different races, there's more opportunity for people to date
outside their race.

And for some, it's a numbers game. Some African-American professional
women, for example, say it's difficult to find a black man with their same
level of education. It plays out at college campuses, where an average of
65 percent of black students enrolled in college are women, according to
the U.S. Department of Education. At some colleges, Brown said, women
represent 75 percent of the black students.

All in all, Brown said, the vast majority of Americans don't explore
romances with people of different races.

"We live very homogenous lives. We surround ourselves with people who look
like us, think like us, believe what we believe. And when it comes to
romance, it's very unusual for us to deviate from that pattern."

But Michael Rosenfeld, a Stanford University sociology professor who
studies interracial marriage trends, sees many more opportunities for
interracial dating, particularly in the online dating world, which brings
together singles of various ethnic backgrounds.

Rosenfeld believes race continues to be a major fault line in America but
thinks it's becoming less relevant.

"It's much less of an issue than it used to be, " he said. "Old racial
divisions are slowly dying away."

'Shut Up and Love'
Ivy Le, a 26-year-old Vietnamese American, explores her intercultural
relationship with her German-born boyfriend in her blog, called "Shut Up
and Love."

She talks openly in her blog about cultural differences. Le said she and
her boyfriend have argued for more than a year about moving in together.

In Germany, it's common for people to live under the same roof before
marriage. But in her culture, that's not the case. Couples don't live
together until they are married. In fact, single adults often live with
their parents until the wedding. In the end, Le and her boyfriend
compromised: They decided to live together after they get engaged.

"Of course, it's easier if I came home with a good Vietnamese, Buddhist
boy. If I brought a boy like that home, we would be on easy street to
marriage, " said Le who lives in Athens. "But love, while wonderful and it
does have all of these promises, easy is not one of them."

Keeping options open
Pretty and personable, Jeanette Phillips has a good job in finance. She
seems to have it all. But lately, the 46-year-old African-American has
been grumbling to her girlfriends about how impossible it seems to find
Mr. Right in this town. As she has gotten older, she said, she has become
more open to dating men of other races.

She stopped by Color Blind International's posh 15th floor suite in
Buckhead recently to talk about her recent dates.

"I like that that element has already been removed and you can be relaxed
in that regard, " she said. So far, she has gone on three dates. Three
different white men. They've been nice, but she likely will continue to
keep her options open.

Meanwhile, Hazel Brito, a 32-year-old Hispanic woman, has gone on three
dates, all with the same guy, who is white. She said she found instant
chemistry over bites of tiramisu at Intermezzo and steaks at The Strip.
"He makes me laugh. His family is important to him, " she said.

So what would her parents say about her dating someone of a different
race?

"My parents would be totally fine with it. My parents just want me to be
happy, " said Brito, who works for a pharmaceutical company.
And happy in love is what she wants, too.

"The tall, handsome guy is always nice --- in whatever race that happens
to fall into it, " she said.


Saying 'I do' to diversity

Chance that a person in the Atlanta five-county metro area will marry
someone of a different race:
White men: 1 in 25 (4 pct.)
White women: 1 in 50 (2 pct.)
Black men: 1 in 20 (5 pct.)
Black women: 1 in 25 (4 pct.)
Asian men: 3 in 50 (6 pct.)
Asian women: 4 in 25 (16 pct.)
Source: AJC analysis of marriage statistics, based on U.S. Census Bureau's
American Community Survey
Database reporter John Perry contributed to this article.

Cultural Differences: Interracial Marriage Denied in La.

This justice of the peace in Louisiana who would not marry an interracial couple is getting a lot of heat. And here, I'd posted the story on the Facebook fan page, because I thought it was funny.

"I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else."

C'mon, Jon Stewart's whole staff couldn't make that line up! Alas, I know we're not "post-racial," because no one else laughed. I get it: this justice reminds us of that time when miscegenation was illegal, and back then, this wouldn't have been funny. I'm sure the couple was stunned, as I would have been, at the moment the justice's (not judge) wife told them her husband doesn't marry interracial couples. But then they just went to a different dude in the same area, and they're married now.

I think we should lay off an old man who grew up when people thought colored people carried disease (and so people were afraid to let us use their restrooms). Let him and his views retire quietly like so many embers in an abandoned fire. It's the next generation we should put all this indignant energy toward teaching, not the last one. Hope you can laugh about this:

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Reform Madness - White Minority
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor Ron Paul Interview

Love Hurts and It Should Sometimes

I'm reading through boxes of old letters researching a writing project that my friend, the redneck noir author BH Shepherd, has persuaded me to tackle (or die trying). The love letters from my first love are an interesting time capsule, listing the things we predicted would happen after high school graduation:

• we would move on to meet and love others,
  
• we would each eventually be displaced as the relationship standard against which new prospects are measured,
  
• we implicitly acknowledged that it would be a struggle eventually to stay in touch.
  

Indeed, all those things came to pass, and re-reading the words that tore at my barely-callused high school heart, it hurt that those things didn't hurt more when they happened - as my younger self had hoped they would.

Why did I hope that it would hurt to move on, when many are afraid to stick even their bare big toe in the murky waters of love?

If love could NOT cut you down to the ground, would you want it? If it wouldn't hurt when your child lies to you, would it mean anything when he or she said, "Mommy, I love you"? You cannot love without exposing some vulnerability, and why would you want to? Even if you could love without feeling pain, would you learn anything about your soul's topography in the process?

There is a logical argument (as in explanation, not debate) for the stinging phenomenon of love, but knowing why is not the same as knowing that
"there are sharks in the water
but the only way to survive
is to breathe deep
and dive."

Gift-Giving to One's Beloved

...is really effin' hard. I used up all my best ideas the first two years we've been dating. One of my first boyfriends got a really sweet top-of-the-line alarm clock/CD player to replace his squawking radio alarm for Valentine's Day. I thought it was perfect; the girls in my dorm explained that it was tragically practical, that I was that guy.

What do you men WANT, for heaven's sake!!!

My two-year anniversary is Wednesday, and I've only gotten my Great Idea last night. Wish me luck, friends.

Survey Results: Where to Find Love

“I’ve been dating since I was fifteen. I’m exhausted. Where is he?”-Charlotte from the “Sex and the City” Season 3

Thanks to everyone who shared the survey link, joined the Facebook event, and responded to the survey on Twitter, too! Here's what we found out together about where to find love.

SURPRISE FINDING NO. 1: The Workplace ranked top 3.
Surprisingly, the workplace was No. 3! I mean, I knew y’all were goofing off at least by reading my blog at work, but day-um! This is distraction at another level.

“After walking past his cube multiple times a day, I told him I liked his shoes when we were alone on the elevator on day, and he realized I wasn’t a stuck up snobby consultant. We then had a lurid affair that was both exhilarating and enlightening….Been married for three of the last 6 years.”

“I’m a reporter, and my boyfriend is our chief photographer. It sounds scandalous now, but… he’d come out on stories and help with video. It wasn’t until months later…that I found out this wasn’t in his job description, and he wasn’t getting paid for it.”

“I was a stinky line cook, and she was the dreamy juice girl/barrista. I courted her over smoothies.”

“Whenever I had work to avoid, I would linger in the café and try to make her laugh. Eventually, she figured I was funny enough to spend an evening over drinks. At the time, both of us were certain that we would never date anyone from work.”

SURPRISE FINDING NO. 2: You might already know the person, but it's not the right time yet.
More than 10% mentioned or suggested time in the explanatory comments. This surprise finding suggests that you may know your love – before you know it!

“Initially, I didn’t like him very much, but he grew on me.”

“She stalked me for a year and finally broke down my defenses. I figured, ‘Now here’s a girl who will commit.’”

“BAM! It came out of nowhere. He’s the love of my life, and he was right under my nose for almost four years, and I had no idea.”

“We knew each other for five years... . One day, we started talking – about life, relationships, etc.- and pretty much didn’t stop. I will always remember that ‘first’ conversation that changed everything. It was honestly incredibly random that one phone call out of hundreds led to the rest of our lives together. I mean nothing was different. We were just both finally ready to move on to something real, I suppose.”

“We finally looked at each other and realized what we could have. That was seven years ago, and we’re married now.”

SURPRISE FINDING NO. 3: Surprise! Love doesn't care what you think you want.
The element of surprise kept coming up. Love is apparently big on guerrilla warfare tactics, just like terrorists.

“We saw each other for the second time at a party, hit it off, and woke up next to each other….I never expected to meet my Mr. Wonderful so soon.”

“We were both outside each others criteria (on match.com) since we did not live in the same state, and our relationship was supposed to be merely a friendship.”

“My wife first met my parents on the plane on a business trip. After six hours of hair-raising air travel together, my shy mother asked at their destination if she was single, and then for her business card to send to her son. LOL”

"I came abroad (Paris) to do an internship, and that's where I met the love of my life!"

"I've known my husband since I was 13. ...We never dated. After his deployment to Afghanistan...we lost touch, but reunited once again during his R&R from his next deployment to Iraq. We kept in touch through phone calls and e-mail for the rest of his deployment, and we just knew. We were married as soon as he came home. I wouldn't necessarily recommend marrying without dating someone, but for some reason, for us, it worked out that way."

OTHER FINDINGS
At more than a third of respondents, the most common way people met their loves was through mutual friends and acquaintances, as to be expected. Mutual friends are how we meet most everybody: friends, employers, or marks. The second most common meeting ground was high school or college. But that shouldn't discourage those who are no longer in school. Slightly more than one in five people became partners with a schoolmate, but that means that about 4 in 5 people met other ways!

No one marked church/temple/synagogue nor volunteer activity, but 5% met in a mutual interest activity, which included missionary trips and church choir, as well as music or theater groups. We also can put to rest the conventional wisdom that "no one meets someone in bars and clubs." In fact, 11 of the 96 respondents did just that. And why not? Just because someone like to dance and drink doesn't necessarily mean that he or she is a drunk or a lech.

Having good friends, patience, and being open to sucker punches by the universe is the way to go. All three of those prerequisites are easier said than done, of course, but friends, patience, and the universe will have to wait for their own blog posts.

PS If you sent the survey to someone who doesn't usually read this blog, please let them know the results have been posted. The survey was anonymous, so I have no way of knowing who I quoted and contacting them. Thanks!

The Long of Long-Term Relationship

At nearly two years with my Beloved, this is my longest relationship ever. Each passing birthday and holiday together, funeral and wedding is a road sign flying by that says I’m farther and farther away from any place I’ve been. I’m surprised by what turns up on the scenic route:

Gaining Weight
When I was single, I danced to top 40s at Mood Lounge on Monday night, salsa at Tongue and Groove on Wednesday, Latin rock at Loca Luna on Friday, and hip hop at Sutra on Saturday. It amounted to about 16 hours of stiletto-stomping, bass-pumping, aerobic writhing and flirting a week. Now, I’m lucky if I log 45 minutes on an elliptical before watching The Daily Show while drinking a beer (because that’s what he stocks) on his couch.

Creating Our Own Linguistics of Love
I’ve had inside jokes and pet names before, but we have, uh, progressed to being able to communicate in a complex system of grunts.

Learning to Love Unconditionally
In the bright beginnings of a relationship, you put everything else aside - like a vacation - to shower acts of kindness on a new love. Then, one or both of you learn that the other isn’t a heaven-sent angel at all, but a human being, a deeply flawed human being at that – which is so not what you signed up for. That’s when most couples break up. To be honest, sometimes I miss the perpetual beginning of a relationship, being seen as so perfect, so beautiful, so charmingly articulate. Now, I’m thick, and I grunt a lot.

My Beloved has witnessed my temper, my grief, my quirks, my myriad failures. We either had to break up or learn to love unconditionally, and obviously we haven’t broken up. (Well, we did once, but does 19 hours really count?) In fact, I often find myself saying “I love him too much to even let this silly thing annoy me.”

Planning the Future with a Capital F
I’ve daringly planned trips months ahead of time with boyfriends before. My Beloved, though, has made me start saving for retirement, and the other night, we decided on our “last song” for our eventual wedding reception.



But I have not reached the point when I am comfortable farting around him. That is so not what I signed up for. Many of you have been in relationships for much much longer. Tell me, what else am I in for?